Disciple I: The First Night

So, tonight I went to my first official, "big person" Bible study. I guess, technically, I went to Bible study last "semester," but this was the first time that we looked directly in the Bible, studied only His word, and discussed how that affected us - what was in it for us - and how we could grow, learn and become better people for it.
We talked a lot about religion in my last class - when it was that Bible study, or the idea of going to church religiously, became something that was met with tongue-clucking, judgemental "hmmms" or just general malaise. I don't really know.
It's interesting - I was raised in a church - I was raised reading the Bible, or at least believing in everything it said. My children go to Sunday School. I think I thought I was at least marginally intelligent when it came to God - Boy, I learned I was wrong tonight! Who knew there were TWO Creation stories?! That Adam & Eve are different than Genesis 1?? Wow - I learned tonight that I need to start learning - to start listening - to start finding my way back to God...Perhaps it's really finding my way TO Him in the first place.
Being a parent is hard. It is also the greatest blessings I have ever received, but it doesn't come without some learnings attached. I want to be the best Mom I can. I want to find a way to teach my children that having God first in our life is the best way to make everything else just a little bit easier.
I want my children to learn (my daughter, especially) that there are people in this world who don't have all the things she has - they don't have the loving parents, they don't have the wonderful chance at an education, they don't have the loving brother, Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts....There are those in this world that want for the simplest things - and my children are way too busy taking all that for granted. I hope that I am able to pull the basic elements from this class, from this "semester" of learning, from others, and teach my children that the world is a crazy place and in order to move through it well, you have to have a strong center. That center should be, and in their case (I hope) will be God.
That's not to say there aren't times I question God - there aren't times I won't be "Godly" - there aren't times I do things that it clearly says not to do (I have looked at things people have and wished for them in my life; I have taken the Lord's name in vain in moments of frustration; there are times that I'm sure I haven't honored my mother and father as they deserve) - but I want my children to see that I try. I do the best I can and want to enrich their lives and allow them to be all they can be in this world. I want them to succeed in those things that are important and not worry so much about those that aren't. I want to find a way to be less concerned about the petty things and worry more about the big things.
Tonight was a first step. I am not ignorant or arrogant enough to believe that any of this will be easy. I will lean on Him, and I hope find some new value in the Word, to get the strength to continue moving through this crazy, mixed-up world with a new sense of peace. I hope to give my children a sense of firm ground - a safe place to fall where no question is too dumb, no wish is too childish, no dream is too impossible.
I am, and will continue to be, Desperately Seeking God...